I've sinned.
I hurt a lot of people. I hurt my family, my church mates, my parents, my relatives, and even my friends.
The mistake -> I yoke with the unbelievers for the search of friends, to fill my emptiness, to get out from all pressures and sit down in my comfort zone. Instead of pulling them with me towards the church, I was pulled with them and took all the world pleasures. I was tempted and I dived into those temptations. I couldn't get out. I couldn't resist. I couldn't say "no". They're everywhere around me. But I admit it, everything was fun and everything was according to my wants.
I forgot my need.
I went home. And there I sat on my bed. Despite all the pleasures, the laughters, the happiness, there I sat all alone again. I found myself empty, depressed, melancholic. I slept.
Morning came. I heard a lot of hurtful words from my lola. I cried. I was so angry with her. I couldn't stand it anymore. She's going too harsh already.
I texted my discipler.
She went in our house after lunch. She cried. I cried.
I hurt a lot of people. I hurt my family, my church mates, my parents, my relatives, and even my friends.
The mistake -> I yoke with the unbelievers for the search of friends, to fill my emptiness, to get out from all pressures and sit down in my comfort zone. Instead of pulling them with me towards the church, I was pulled with them and took all the world pleasures. I was tempted and I dived into those temptations. I couldn't get out. I couldn't resist. I couldn't say "no". They're everywhere around me. But I admit it, everything was fun and everything was according to my wants.
I forgot my need.
I went home. And there I sat on my bed. Despite all the pleasures, the laughters, the happiness, there I sat all alone again. I found myself empty, depressed, melancholic. I slept.
Morning came. I heard a lot of hurtful words from my lola. I cried. I was so angry with her. I couldn't stand it anymore. She's going too harsh already.
I texted my discipler.
Me: Di ko na kaya to. Ganito nalang lagi. Pagod na ako.
Her: Jaz, you need help.
She went in our house after lunch. She cried. I cried.
Her: I'm so sorry Jaz. Napabayaan kita as disciple ko.
I was speechless. From then on, God's revelations rushed inside my mind.
It was never her mistake, it was mine.
I broke down and cried. I surrendered the very thing that tempted me. I broke it in front of my discipler and made a covenant.
I repented and asked God's forgiveness.
We prayed. She left.
From that very moment I could feel that God's with me again, yet the fear of rejection was still creeping inside my being.
Three days after, I received a text message from one of those "friends".
"Punta kami sa inyo this saturday. Bibisitahin ka namin ha."
I was shocked. I could not say "no" again so I accepted her request.
Saturday.
Di ako mapakali. My heart was pounding like it had some life of its own, wanting to get out of my chest. Sobra akong kinabahan.
A lot was playing inside my brain. "What if's" and "If ever's". Pano sina lola? Ano nalang iisipin nila lolo? Pano kung malaman ito ng discipler ko? Ugh! I wanted to scream. To run to a faraway place. But God calmed me down.
Pumasok ako sa kwarto. I sat on my bed.
PRAYER. Yes! A prayer! It never fails.
I fell on bended knees. I prayed, humbled down myself, acknowledging all my weaknesses that I'm just nothing compared to my King. I cried habang yung buhok ko nasa mukha ko na at yung forehead ko nakadikit na sa sahig.
Basang-basa na yung kamay ko. But I couldn't stop worshiping Him. I couldn't stop asking forgiveness. I couldn't stop saying sorries to what I've done.
I remembered what Oni jing-jing told me the morning on that day.
"Instead of you tempted to go with them, why don't you ask God's grace and let them see your light so that they would be attracted to your light and praise Jesus as He works through you?"
I prayed and prayed.
"Lord, I humble down myself. Help me God. Teach me to move on ways according to Your will. Lord, I pray for boldness, for Your grace that I could have the courage to share Your message to these young people. You know them Lord, and I surrender everything to You. I couldn't do this without Your power and Your Spirit. I ask You God to give me the strength I needed that they may see the greatness of Your love."
I cried and cried, and cried.
They arrived.
An inner struggle occurred inside me. My mind was so busy thinking of ways that I could open the topic to them. I entertained them first. They watched a few DVDs, scanned some magazines, asked some questions about my family, and they felt at home.
I went inside my room. I uttered, "Lord, please help me. Please Jesus."
Hindi ko parin ma-open sa kanila. They knew that I'm a Christian. Thoughts about what I've done the week before flood my mind. I was kinda discouraged. I thought that maybe God doesn't want to answer my prayer because of that sin I committed. Ayaw Niya akong pagbigyan this time.
Naghina ako. I felt like I was losing my hope. I felt like Jesus left me.
One Requested.
Habang nanonood kami ng movie, nagrequest si Gean, isa sa mga "friends".
"Pwede ba tayong mag-bible study now?"
I was amazed. "Lord thank you!" Di ko in-expect yun. Hindi ako nag-open but God let her opeb the topic about it. Sobra talaga akong na-amaze.
We went in my room. We prayed. There I was able to share God's message. May struggle na nagyari nung ipapa-accept ko na si Jesus sa kanila. They were having doubts. But by God's grace, God made a way for me to speak His Word and made them realize that they could do nothing without Jesus in their lives.
I saw God's movement within that sharing. The guys whom I know are pasaway at makulit went silent. The girls who were mataray, maarte at palasalita ay natahimik din. Then suddenly I saw some tears trickling down their cheeks. I praised God for that.
They Accepted Jesus.
They accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I sang a gospel song and we ended with a closing prayer.
Sobra akong nabless sa mga nakita ko. Even mga lalaki napaiyak. Grabe talaga ang movement ni Lord that night. I asked them if OK lang ba sila and they replied:
"OK lang kami. Grabe. Sobrang sarap ng feeling. Kakaiba yung movement ng heart ko kanina."I encouraged them to share God's message to their friends too, and they responded positively. Minemorize nila yung Romans 6:23 "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord." After that, they requested for some next bible sharing. Then, they went home.
Realization.
While I was writing on my prayer journal pagkauwi nila, marami akong realization that very night. God's still with me. I was truly amazed on His revelations that night. At eto ang aking natutunan:
Sayang ang pagpapakamatay ni Jesus sa cross if He will condemn me for such a sin lang. I thought kasi God would never answer my prayer dahil dun. But hey! God blessed me with an unforgettable night sa bahay namin. Naprove ko talaga na sobrang mahal ako ni Lord. Imagine, nagkasala ako but still He gave me the boldness, the strength, the courage to share His message. One thing more, He made my words powerful that when I uttered them, they touched the hearts of those I shared. The Holy Spirit was really at work that very moment. He touched the hearts of my friends and opened their minds, leaving them with tears of realization and smiles of complete joy. Wow! How great is our God!
Two great lessons:
- No matter how great our sin is, God still loves us and will never give up on us.
- Prayer is the most powerful way to make impossible things possible. Dive in prayer. God answers our prayers. If we don't pray, eh ano pang i-aanswer Niya di ba? Hehe.
God Bless you!
(Hmmm.. First week of March to nangyari kaya hindi ako nakapag-update ng blog agad. Daming realizations din kasi nangyari sa life ko these days. Belated Happy Easter! Nung Holy Week nga pala, nadiscover ko ang power at beauty ng Prayer Fasting. Keep safe always!)
In Christ
Alone
This is one of the great testimony I've heard. Female counterpart ka ni Joshua Harris. hehehe. And u know what, this is the best post I've read here.
Tao lang tayo, nagkasala. Nakarelate ako sau dahil maraming beses rin na nasa situation mo ako. "yung satisfaction kasi pansamantala lang, pagkatapos wala na. Ako, after, nagi-guilty. Nahiya na ako kay Lord, palagi na lang na I asked forgiveness tapos magkasala pa rin. At hindi madali ang magbago at dapat taos puso tulad ng pagtanggap natin ng lubusan sa Diyos. Hindi yan pinipilit. Di ba, napakasaya ng feeling mo na willing sila na makipag-worship sa Diyos with you. Indeed, He asnwered your prayers! Alam Niya na marami ka pang matutulungan.
Honestly, Na-carry ako sa post na ito lalo na sa huling paragraphs. Alam kung may personal needs ka rin, may personal na happiness tulad ko. Okay lang yun basta huwag lang natin kalimutan Siya at huwag natin iiwan. Napakabait ng Diyos dahil napakafaithful Niya sa atin. Ang isang hiling ko lang na sana lubusan ang pagbalik ko sa Kanya. Isang tanong lang palagi ang nasa utak ko kung paano ko maiwasan ang mga temptations. Alam ko kasi na marami pang darating.
I agree ako sa two great lessons na sinaad mo. Ipagpatuloy mo ang magandang pinagsimulan mo. Even u stopped and you've been in a wrong way at least nakabalik ka ulit sa liwanag na daan. May natutunan ka rin dun di ba? At lalong naging close kayo ni Jesus.
Saludo ako sau! sa honesty, sa pag-amin at pagtitiwala sa Kanya. Kaya ingat ka palagi kasi mahal ka Niya. And he really cares!
Napakahaba ng comment ko dahil nagustuhan ko 'tong post mo with it's honesty and sincerity.